🌹 🎶 Choosing Connection

A New Moon ramble on forging healthy narratives and communication

“Disconnection isn’t just the consequence, it’s the goal, because if we don’t see each other, we won’t stand up for each other… Real power comes from connection, when we commit to one another’s success we don’t just survive, we soar. Build a world where everyone rises.”
- Reshma Saujani, founder of Girls Who Code,
Harvey Mudd College 2025 Commencement Speech

I recently found myself trying to recall the times when there were only three main methods of communication - real life, in-person conversations (IRL), phone calls or letters. Humour me if you will and time travel back to the 70’s and 80’s where I grew up imitating the wired, manual dial phone with two yoghurt pots connected by a piece of string and a Fisher-Price pull-along. As a young person out and about, I had to use physical cash in a phone box or ring the operator, who in her best Queen’s English would ask the recipient (usually my parents) if they were willing to reverse the charges. I still say ‘I’m on the pips’ when I’m running out of time at the end of choir rehearsals, as a nod to the beeps that indicated I’d run out of phone box pennies. The only way of conveying urgent and international messages was via telegram, and unless you worked in the military, you only received those from the Queen if you’d reached your 100th birthday, 60th wedding anniversary or died in warfare. So writing letters and sending postcards was the main way to stay in touch over long distances, and receiving a letter on airmail paper with an unusual stamp was a notable event. In my first office jobs, many a dull moment was spent figuring out why the clunky fax machine had yet again failed to beep and burp out paper documents. Having a good yak over a cuppa reigned supreme over all other known forms of communication.

All of this seems totally archaic and inconceivable when today the press of a button on my phone can connect me to not just one, but potentially multitudes of people. The billions of messages sent every millisecond demonstrate that we are hardwired for connection. Multimedia communication forms have contributed to greater inclusion, with texting, for example, empowering those with hearing impairments and the internet vastly widening access to knowledge, information, creativity and innovation. News can reach us from every corner of the world, raising awareness of important issues and creating a sense of global community. We can find lost people, lost objects and lost souls at lightning speed and broadcast our songs, stories and what we had for breakfast to each other. Online movements, communities, fanbases, support groups and audiences can grow exponentially. Human communication has taken a quantum leap - never before have we been so connected, and never before have friendships, romances and business deals been so easy to forge - and break - instantly.

So why are we so disconnected?

Constant connectivity devalues communication
Going, going, gone - from the auction hammer to ‘time sensitive' ‘limited edition’ offers, the scarcity principle activates our value or desire for what we perceive as rare or in short supply. So the overwhelming availability of online connection can result in avoidant communication behaviours such as ghosting, breadcrumbing, orbiting and submarining. When another date, colleague or customer is just a swipe away, we can hook up and drop each other as quickly as we buy our groceries. The distancing effect of screen objectification allows us to behave less humanely towards each other, reducing our capacity to make and break agreements (and hearts) with direct, respectful communication.

Digital Addiction
Social media creates a mirage of connectivity, whilst being a highly curated artificial realm, run by attention engineers using principles that power casinos to keep us gambling our time and energy. It’s commonplace to see little children gazing at parents lost in their phones, and young people becoming swallowed up in screens with increased loneliness and loss of social skills. Rewarding and reinforcing a desire for external validation, social media use can warp our connection with ourselves, encouraging a constant display of filtered reality to look good in the eyes of others. Comparison and FOMO can steal our joy and contribute to anxiety and low self-esteem. Instant dopamine hits from likes, comments and vanity metrics tap into our primal longing for connection, whilst simultaneously disconnecting us from ourselves and each other IRL.

Fantasy Connections
Highly seductive and addictive online unrequited/ fantasy connections lack the full nourishment or challenges of in-person relationships. Exposure to internet pornography impacts 93% of boys and 63% of girls before the age of 18, with the first exposure averaging at 12 years old, causing mental health and relationship issues and increased sexual abuse and violence, particularly towards girls and women. The instant gratification and dehumanising objectification of sexualised online content warps a sense of the time and care needed to grow relationships.

Divisive Narratives
Sold to us as connective spaces, social media algorithms actively reward and drive disconnection. Researcher William Brady has documented an increase in polarised, trolling misinformation, which triggers outrage and inflates our perception of intergroup conflict. Trolling is also noticeably gendered, with women experiencing significantly greater amounts of online abuse, harassment and tech violence.

Short Form, Short Temper
I’m sure I’m not the only person who has fallen foul of attempting to handle important issues or debates via email, text or social media. Isolated from the warmth of human presence, it’s easy for issues to escalate on screens, as the need to be right disrupts mutual respect and understanding. Unsurprisingly, platforms with the shortest posts - Facebook and X/ Twitter - where complex issues are reduced to soundbites, quotes and headlines, are the most fraught with trolling.

Caught in the Tech Bro’s Web
Most businesses are now aware that building an online following does not necessarily equate to offline bums on seats or money in pockets. Marketers report that whilst Facebook and Instagram are the preferred sites for Business-to-Customer marketing and Facebook and LinkedIn for Business-to-Business marketing, the main benefits are increasing exposure, boosting traffic, generating leads and developing fans before increasing actual sales. For musicians, the ROI on platforms such as Spotify is minuscule - 1000 streams returns a minuscule $3.30. Both Facebook and X recently cut the reach of posts with external links, reducing engagement by as much as 50%, keeping users caught in their web.

Image: Pixabay

Choosing Connection

“So it is not that being on social media doesn’t matter - it does matter, it does have its good uses, but the question is how much should social media matter? How much space should social media occupy in your life? I would suggest, too, that you be very clear about the artifice that social media is and that you try to have real connections with actual people that you know.”
Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, Williams College Commencement Speech 2017.

Choosing our own narrative as we navigate the online world is vital if we are to master rather than be mastered by addictive technologies. As the algorithms feed us more of what we show interest in, we can activate them constructively - I went through a phase of liking and populating my timeline with beautiful nature pictures. Feeling significantly disturbed, distracted, spaced out or triggered can indicate that it’s time to disconnect from the screen and reconnect with ourselves, each other and our environment.

Choose Long Form Content - long-form posts on platforms such as Substack allow for a more nuanced discussion by authors and promote far-ranging consideration of issues within readers. Many young people are voting with their screens, withdrawing from Facebook and X and driving the demand for long-form content with greater depth on YouTube and TikTok. Podcasts are also rapidly rising in popularity, resulting in decreased use of video games, TV and social media.

Digital Boundaries - to take charge of our social media usage, we can disable addictive functions such as notifications and pop-up alerts, set up screen-time limits and use apps such as Cold Turkey to block social media sites whilst working or relaxing. We can commit to staying present with friends and family by keeping dinners and special occasions screen-free, safeguarding child phone usage and supporting initiatives such as Smartfree Schools and Smartphone Free Childhood.

Digital Detoxes - can result in better sleep, mental health, concentration, productivity and real-life relating: one study showed that deactivating Facebook for a month boosted sociability, wellbeing and decreased exposure to polarising political views.

Handle Important Conversations in Person - As body language accounts for 93% of communication, in-person communication yields higher success rates in many situations, including conflict resolution. A Forbes Survey found that 84% of business leaders feel in-person meetings helped build stronger relationships and were better for persuasion, leadership, engagement, decision-making and accountability. Whilst digital meetings can help save time and money and effectively share information and data, participants are prone to distraction and disengagement.

Keeping it Real in Business - whilst online communities can help build visibility, it’s important to find ways to forge direct relationships with customers through mailing lists and attend IRL events beyond social media. Collaborating generously helps build genuinely supportive B2B relationships with lots of mutual shares and likes.

Present-Moment Immersion - many activities require full present-moment attention whilst bestowing life-long learning and wellbeing benefits such as singing, playing an instrument, writing, visual arts, crafting, gardening, walking in nature, spiritual practices, playing sports, cards or board games.

Hang Out in Third Places - sociologist Ray Oldenburg defines third places as those beyond home (first place) and work (second place) which offer a sense of social connection, including parks, libraries, gyms, clubs, markets, bookshops and cafes. Hanging out in a third place can boost community creativity, connectivity, collaboration and commerce, and phone-free hangouts such as The Offline Club are gaining in popularity.

Channel Outrage Constructively - as it’s part of the human condition to feel outraged by the injustices of the world, it’s important to find healthy ways to channel it effectively, such as contributing to a charity or community initiative. As non-violent campaigns engaging only 3.5% of a given population have a high success rate in effecting change, you could start the next revolution.

Happy New Moon in Gemini - may it usher in much collaborative, creative community communication and connection!